A little about Depression

Hello. I haven't written for a few days. Sorry about that. Depression is another very, very common side affect of Fibromyalgia. I think some depression comes from the loss of the independance that I once knew. Maybe it's the constant pain that gets me down after a while. Oh I try and stay positve and when I am out and around people I generally do alright. It's the nights and days when I am by myself when I feel free to cry and cry. I am not even exactly sure why I am crying except that there is an intense loss in my life. I have always been a very independant person and it is difficult to give that up.

My doctor says that realistically I will never work again so that by itself is a loss. Once the depression takes hold though, it's tough to talk about. I tend to think that people don't want to hear me "whin" about my problems. I also don't want to push my friends away because I am not the cheerful person that most people, I think would prefer.

I take medication for depression, as well as other disorders. I think the meds help me not to sink so low into the depressive state that I will never come out of it again.

I am going away for 4 days to the doctor to update my precriptions and get checked out. I will see if I can do a blog day for one of the days that I will be gone. I leave the night of the 25th and come back the night of the 27th. I guess that is only 2 days.

Well it's late where I am. I just wanted to post in case someone was checking back to see a new update.

Twila :)

Did I mention headaches?

Well I haven't written here for a few days because those pesky headaches are back again. They come and go but seem to get worse at the end of the day.

Today was a stressful day earlier in the day because my anxiety was so high. I was trying to get to an address that I had not been to before and I couldn't find my way. Oh, btw, I have anxiety attacks if I get lost or think I might be late for an appointment. Well, I don't think that has anything to do with Fibro. I think it's just my own hang ups and fears that have grown over years. So, maybe stress didn't help.

Headaches seem to be my worst enemy besides general pain. Oh, and the draft coming from my patio doors, well the rain isn't very nice to me either. But none the less, the day went on and I got through one more day. As usual, the voice from my granddaughter at her 'goodnight phone call' made me forget my pain for those moments. I had a wonderful visit from my daughter today as well so all in all it was a pretty good day. Better than most.

Keep you in touch tomorrow. Soon I will figure out how to File these posts so it is not such a long list.

God Bless and stay safe.

Sleep Disturbances

Hi there.

It's 4 am and here I am. Awake. Once I wake up I can't go back to sleep. That's not to say that I don't have naps during the day though. Part of Fibromyalgia is fatigue and many people get chronic fatigue syndrome when they have Fibro. I don't know if I have the "syndrome" or not but often times during the day I get a wave of exhaustion that comes over me and I can't keep my eyes opened.

I have always been a light sleeper and not needed that many hours sleep during the night. The problem, my doctor says, with Fibro is that one never reaches a deep enough level of sleep that is required for healing and complete rest. I take meds to help me sleep and they work well to get me to sleep. 6 hours later though they must wear off and I wake up.

It's funny how a person learns to cope with each symptom individually. It would be pretty overwhelming to realize the number of ways that Fibro changes a persons lifestyle.

My sleeping patterns don't really affect anyone around me except maybe my grand daughter. She is very good though and if I get a wave of tiredness come over me, she lets me have a nap and then keeps herself busy on her Barbie web site. Kids are wonderful because they accept people just as they are. I wish I could do more things with her but a lot of things include outdoor activities (which is a topic for another blog post). As far as sleeping goes though, I am very lucky to have her understanding.

Migraines

Good morning everyone.

I thought I would write about this today because the other night I was once again struck with one of those very inconvenient migraines. You know the kind? No light, no sounds, no phones and preferrably no traffic outside my patio doors.

Well Migraines or headaches are another symptom of Fibro that has developed for me over time. I don't know if it is directly related to stress or not but I will assume that it is. I have never taken a poll on stress and Fibro. If I could though, I would ask that anyone with Fibromyalgia who does NOT have stress in their lives, please raise your hand. I imagine that I would see an ocean of hands raised high in the air.

I don't pretend to know the why's of these symptoms (hense the links to those who might) but I do know how they affect my every day life. If I am curled up on my bed under my blanket so that the smallest bit of light does not reach my head, then it's a menace to my life and everyone in it. I have a store on Ebay which I can put a link to later, but on days like that, there is no chance that I can work. Well like a vicious circle, the stress from worrying about filling orders or the inability to do so, causes stress and then around and around it goes.

Most of the time the Migraine will only last a day and then over the next few days it gets duller and just remains as a normal every day headache. Finally after the headache goes away and I begin to feel normal again; wouldn't you know it, it rains and once again the other symptoms come back.

Remember the old saying; if it isn't one thing then it's another. Well in Fibro's case - if it isn't 3 things then it's 10.

There are many symptoms happening at one time in the body so I am never without a symptom. I would be very grateful to have just one at a time. Oh well, the day still goes on wether I have 1 symptom or 10.

I hope this page has been helpful. I don't yet have a lot of traffic to the blog but I am working on ways to spread the word that it is here.

Thank you for your email comments. Feel free to post any comments here if you feel inclined.

Joint tenderness

Hello again.

Another one of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia is Joint tenderness. "Tenderness?" you might ask. "tenderness is an understatment". You are right. Fibro pain can be worst than child birth pain. Well that's what I have always said because at least in childbirth you know that there will be an end.

There are so many symptoms of Fibro and just as many variations. I am going to use the symptoms as sort of a guideline for this blog. I want to, however, try to keep to a personal level so that any readers can identify on a personal level.

For me joint pain is best described as someone jabbing a sharp knife into you and then quickly pulling it out. The pain only lasts for a few seconds but it is sharp enough to cause you to yipe out in agony. Besides haveing pain that is generally a full body experience, which never lets up, this sharp joint pain hits all of a sudden and with no warning.

I often find myself sitting at a table enjoying a nice visit with someone and then suddenly I yell out in pain. It's only a quick yipe!!!! It's enough though to turn heads and stop the converstation in it's tracks. Then as if I am not embarassed enough, someone asks me "what happened". My mind races as it tries to find the stortest way to explain what just happened. "Oh it's nothing" I say, "It's just that darn Fibromyalgia". I get a strange look from them as they say "oh, ok" while they act as if they understand the word.

Have you ever broken your arm and everyone you know, don't know, are aquainted with, or encounter, asks you "what happened?". Well it's the same with Fibro. It's a long, long story that I have told over and over but can never seem to find a short version.

I can continue on with the topic shortly as it seems I am suddenly tired and am going to lay down for about 30 minutes.

Ttyl :)

Memory Loss

Hi, Yup I called this page "memory loss". No, I'm not into my senior years yet either. :) The books or pages that I have read all call this syptom memory loss but I would characterize it more as "word hide and seek".

Sometimes you might find yourself talking to someone and right in the middle of the sentence you suddenly stop. As you try to find the next word that you want, you notice that everyone is watching and waiting in suspense as if your pause will lead to something profound. lol Then just as quickly as the word "hid" from your memory, it comes jumping back into it.

"Oh ya," you say, "townhouses!!! yes that's what they are called", you exclaim.

Well so much for profound. lolol The first time this happens you might feel like you have suddenly lost your mind but believe me, over time as it happens more often, you might learn to make a joke about it. Everyone partaking in the conversation laughs and then goes on with the conversation. That's how it looks on the outside.

On the inside though, I felt stupid, embarrassed, and self concious. (Even as I write this blog I have to pause quite often to find the words that play "hide and seek" in my mind.)

My family all understand and have now, after 4 years, began to accept it as part of who I am now. I am not sure if those who read this blog have children or grandchildren, but it turns out that children are the most understanding and least judgemental about this disorder. My grand-daughter is included in that category.

As a result of this inner game of "hide and seek", I find myself avoiding groups of people who are haveing a conversation. I am not that big on group settings as it is, and this just makes it even more of a challenge for me. I find myself appologizing when I can't find a word, (as if it's actually my fault - which it isn't.) For me, I often get mad or frustrated at myself when I can't find a word because words played a big part in my creativity. I used to write poems, as my web site will demonstrate, and I used to write short stories or keep a journal of sorts. Now though, I find it frustrating that the words will not come to me as quickly as they used to before. Like most things, if it is something that causes stress or frustration, I tend to stray away from it.

That is how that particular symptom has affected me. Well, as far as I can remember at the moment that is. LOLOL

Have a wonderful day and God Bless.

Day 2

Hi, well where to start? I will give some links to more clinical pages near the bottom for anyone who wants to know the general symptoms and information on Fibromyalgia. For me, it began about 6 years ago. I read somewhere that a physical trauma often triggers Fibro to set in. Where it was before that, I don't know. LOLOL Sitting in wait maybe.

For me it was a fall down a flight of stairs which seemed to be a bad fall but nothing that a few days rest wouldn't fix. I never broke any bones or anything. I continued working at my job. I worked graveyards and stood on my feet most of the night and cleaned a lot. I was very stubborn about sticking it out and working.

The pain in my legs, back, and shoulder subsided somewhat but didn't seem to quite go away completely. I thought maybe I could go to the doctor for some tylenol 3's or something just to get me through the next few weeks. I went through that regiment for 2 weeks and then I went back to the doctor and asked him if he knew why the pain was not going away. It was becoming more and more difficult to stand all night and my body began to ache after an 8 hour shift. This itself was very unlike me. I was used to working 2 or even 3 jobs at once without slowing down or having health issues.

At that time my doctor diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia, which I had never heard of. I was confused. I didn't know what to expect or how this would affect my life. I wasn't sure how long it would last or how it might affect my relationship with my granddaughter, who was then about 2 years old.

I worked as long as I could until I found myself in tears half way through every shift because the pain throughout my body was more than my mind could ignore. Even still, I was determined to stick it out because I loved my job and had wonderful bosses. I didn't want to let them down by quitting. My bosses could see that I was in pain but at the time even I didn't know what Fibro really was so I couldn't explain why I was in so much pain. They let me have a chair to sit on in between cleaning, hoping that would help. It did help a great deal but as time went on (about 4 months) it was just too difficult to even clean. I felt that if I couldn't do the job that I was hired for then it was best for my workplace to hire someone who could do the job.

I wasn't sure how that would affect me in a financial way. My granddaughter was living with me full time and even with the help of Social Services, it would be difficult to provide for us both. I was 41 at the time and had claimed bankruptcy the year before so my conerns were quite valid.

And so began my journey of forced unemployment while looking after my granddaughter and dealing with the depression that came with losing the job that I enjoyed very much.

One of the things that Fibro affects, for me, is my memory. It wasn't that great to start with, hehehe. Some details come and go and sometimes not in order so I may go back and forth through time as I write my journey in here.

At first I had headaches which I blamed on the stress of the situation. Then as time went on I became more arthritic "like". My whole body ached from time to time. It wasn't until a few months later that I connected stress to my pain level. My daughter was battling with her own issues which had forced me to tell her to live somewhere else. Therefore the worry about where she was, what was she doing, was she cold, was she hungry, was she safe, and was she ever going to survive her delemma, were all part of my stress.

To be continued...........

I was diagnosed in 2003 and about 6 months later I had to quit my job. The "bad" days at that time were a lot farther apart than they are now. They say that Fibro is not a progressive disorder but it sure feels like it. As I mentioned stress plays a large roll in the day to day pain level I feel. I didn't really understand that or even believe that stress could be so dangerous until one day in the Summer of 2003. My daughter had give Courtney a kitten to look after since she herself didn't have a permanant residence in which to keep the kitten. Well, with Courtney being only about 3 you can guess who took care of the kitten. lol One summer day the door was left open and the Courtney had decided to take her new kitten for a walk around the little group of townhouses that we lived in. Courtney put the kitten down on the ground to go for a walk and as we all can expect, the kitten ran to the nearest tree and there it was............ gone!

I noticed that Courtney was not within earshot. It's amazing how fast such short legs can take those little people. lolol Well pretty soon I could hear her running back to the town house. "Gramma, Gramma help me!" she cried. Anxiously I asked her what was wrong. "Mommy's kitty went for a walk" she said with genuine concern in her voice. So around and around and around and around again, we walked the townhouse complex. No kitten to be seen. We asked the other kids on the block but no one had seen the kitten. We must have walked around that complex for 2 hours trying to find the lost kitten. What, you might ask, would cause me such great stress from just losing a kitten?

Since my daughter was somewhat unpredictable, I wasn't sure how she would deal with her pet being missing. Since she had put the little thing in my care (via Courtney) I felt responsible for the thing. Since I could not predict how she was going to react to the situation, my anxiety went through the roof, hence, so did my stress level. It was that evening after Courtney was in bed and the day was finally over, that I realized the impact that stress had on Fibro. My entire body ached from my headache to my ankles. As I sat at the table near the kitchen window, once again looking outside wondering if my daughter was safe, I could feel the pain travel through my whole body. That was the point that I decided the doctor must be right. After all, they don't know everything, I told myself. LOLOL Stress did play a big part in how much pain I felt in my body.

I can pick up again tomorrow but while I was off work anyways I created a web page years ago and on it is a page on Fibromialga with links that I found at that time. I will give a link here and if any of the links inside the web site do not work, please feel free to let me know.

http://rachael1060.tripod.com/id13.html

I hope that will give the background to the disorder that will make this blog easier to relate to. If you have Fibro yourself, feel free to make a post here and comment or ask any questions that you would like. I can only answer from my own experience but maybe just knowing your not alone will be a help.

fibromyalgia and the effects on every day life

Hello those who reach this page. I hope to give some information here and provide some knowldege about the topic so family members can also understand your unseen condition. I can only talk from experience so what I say here is my own opinion unless I state my source.

A Link to a Web page that I began after I was diagnosed is in the upper right hand corner of this blog. There are other links to sites that give information about Fibromyalgia as well as a number of other links of general interest. On that web page is also a variety of poems that I have written over the years. Have fun and enjoy. Please do not copy the poems without expressed written consent.